March 15, 2009
A Fork
Current mood:
confused
Wow.... I can't believe I have been here 9 months already....confusedWhen I got to Seattle, it took a mere six minutes to realize I wasn't cut out for city-girl life. First of all, it seems such a waste that there are so many great museums, parks, and music venues and yet I am most content to be home, curled up with a book on my patio. Plus, the cost of living here is horrible. This was reinforced after six hours, six days, and six months. Nonetheless, I swore to myself I would commit one year to the city, and get out of it what I could. It looks like it was further self-discovery, and of course, Nestor.
Around Christmas time, I started looking at options for relocation. Although I hate change like the black plague, I knew I couldn't live here anymore. Especially since David left, leaving me without any family this far north. I applied to some jobs in Arizona, Sacramento, Oregon, etc, just putting my little toes out there. At the end of May, Nestor and I had plans to move closer to family, and I have always loved Medford, Oregon for its close proximity to my family, to the ocean, to the mountains... well, you get the idea. Out of the blue, I get a packet in that mail in response to a job application I put in to Phoenix, AZ before Christmas. I had forgotten completely about it. It seemed like it was in my way saying "Don't forget this option!!" when all I wanted to do was move to Oregon.
So I have accepted a chance to interview with the Phoenix school district, and with my Dad's generous contribution to the airfare to make that possible, I will see if this door is worth opening. Needless to say, Nestor is not happy about me going there, but being the supportive partner he is, he is willing to start exploring universities down there as well.
So there is a fork in the road. Two sides, equally weighed with pluses and minuses. I would be happier in Oregon, but I would be fulfilling my professional aspirations if I go to Phoenix. (Oregon isn't going anywhere right???) Long term? I'd rather live and settle and raise mini-people in Medford, but I've always wanted to persue my career for a few years prior to that, and it's not like there are ESL jobs knocking down my door from the direction of that state.
Wish me luck..... who knows where this crazy broad will go next.
__________
June 9, 2008
Small Girl, Big City,
Current mood:
inquisitive
I have been an official Washington resident since Wednesday night, after much-delayed flight touched down into the rainy abyss that is to be my new home for a prolonged time. I was excited to be back on a plane, and excited/nervous/anxious to see where I was taking myself. inquisitiveAt my twenty-fourth year, my dad promised me that this year was going to be the year of my great-romance, my great-adventure, or a combination of the two. During my European Hiatus, I decided that the latter was more likely, and so I embraced it. After all, I still have yet to find a man who could pin me down, metaphorically speaking of course... The first few days in this city, I stayed with my friend Cody from Chico, who was also a transplant to the big city for professional reasons. I landed a summer job working in a kindergarten/1st grade summer class program, and joyfully split my pants in the middle of the interview - made for an amusing antecdote later. I got my apartment on the outskirts of Upper Queen Anne two days after that. Last night was my first night in my new place.
The 740 sq. ft that are all mine looked huge and overwhelming. Each inch of the carpet (that was purchased in '76 for $100/yard!) was unaware of the fate that lay ahead of it. My landlord is an 85 year old man, who lives alone and daily states that the only purpose of his day is to wake up... I can see myself making him Christmas cookies every year. I stopped hiding in my apartment this afternoon and hopped the bus to downtown Seattle. Today is David's day off from running me around, bless his soul. The lady who got .. me turned and faced the window, then launched into an ellaborate account of how seagulls and eagles tried to kill her this morning. She referenced Hitchcock's "The Birds" several times, and the bus driver - who seemed to know her - laughed at all the appropriate times. I didn't know who she was talking to, but I felt very rude eavesdropping on her personal story to her reflection in the window. Always glad to see the culture in my neighborhood.
I won't lie and say that I am not lonely, and having a difficult time adjusting. I also know this about myself - it takes on average 2 weeks from the doom and gloom of adaptation to lift and I stop viewing my impulsive actions as life and death decisions. I also know that in two weeks I will start work, and fall madly in love with the tikes that grab on my sweaters and yell my name across the playground. I also know that in 2 weeks, when my Mom comes up with all my belongings, I will finally be able to breathe easier in my 'nest' that I created. Until then, I need to remember that it will all be ok in the end. After all, it's my one shot at making my life extraordinary, so I wouldn't be content with anything less than that.
March 26, 2008
Lighter and Brigher Purpose Revealed
TO BE LIGHTER AND BRIGHTER BY THE TIME I GET BACK
Over the years, my inner self has accumulated layers of scar tissue left over after break-ups, family dissolve, and disappointment in my life’s choices. After awhile, the baggage becomes heavy and makes the first attack on anything new and promising in my life. Nothing really has a chance to flourish because I am constantly aware that it may add to the pile of sour-tasting memories, and already discount the good it could do for my life. This has also made my view on the world a little darker than it once was. I may have been made stronger by my life’s occurrences, but that strength also comes in the form of a calloused reality that affords little to no room for growth and change, especially when it’s not on my own accord. I am jumping ship before it’s even pulled out of the dock, cutting off the possibilities of something truely magnificent.
So in
I will come back lighter with less baggage, and brighter with a more fullfilling view of my future. This way, whatever lies ahead of me in my 25th year will be met with anticipation, readiness and a feeling that anything is possible. (When did I lose faith in it all, anyways??) Becuase when you look at it, there’s not a lot of you to give when you’re giving in. So I’m reclaiming my days of youth, of innocence, and untouched vigor in life.
March 16, 2008
The European Experince, Phase 1
Current mood:
jubilant
I have been keeping in touch with my family back home with all the happenings of Germany, but now that I am half way through, I might as well extend the same courtesy to my Myspace Family. The homesickness ended after 1 month, and the time difference was settled after the first 2 weeks, which I was grateful for. Still, there is a random morning every now and then when I wake up in the cabin out by the swamp and wonder where my closet went... and my carpet.... and my California Sunshine.jubilantTo sum it up so far:
Vilseck - affectionately known as VilSUCK to us interns is our home for now. It’s a 40 minute train ride away from Nuremberg, which is where I spend most of my spare time when I’m not traveling to other exotic places. They have a great bar "ALEX" which serves a great screwdriver and bruschetta. They are open late, and opens up to the big cathedral plaza. In Vilseck, we spent thefirst 8 weeks in a cabin out by a swamp/lake called "Big Mike." (sounds like a balding 40 yr old with a double-wide, eh??) It’s a 45 minute walk to the one restaurant, one bar and one cafeteria on base. But things are looking up. On the 18th of March we move into condo’s that are only a 25 minute walk from these things!
Munich - We took our first venture out to Munich for the weekend, learned about the Haufbrauhaus (hoff-brow-house) where Hitler started the Nazi party and started his march on the city. It was chilly and windy, but we had a blast and met members of the Chili Hockey Team and some backpackers from Brazil. Great city. Reminded me of Sevilla. We were there in time for Fasching (Mardi Gras + Halloween) so there were lots of outdoor markets, concerts, and freeflying confetti all over the city.
Berlin - Capital of Germany. We spent time there touring all the big stuff -Berlin Dome, Potsdam, and the Brandenberg Gate. I didn’t know anything about these things, but now my mind is full of history, and I am hoping to retain some of it for when I have to explain the pictures back home. I got yelled at in German by the bus driver. Apparently, it’s not ok to bang on the doors of the bus as they are closing because you still want to get on. Oops.
Vienna, Austria - This place was beautiful, and we were able to fit in lots of culture. First day consisted of seeing an Italian Opera at the opera house (standing seats were only $5), we went to the fair/carnaval which included a vertical Tilt-O-Whirl and the oldest Ferris Wheel in Europe. We visited the open flea market, ate schnizel in the Belvedere gardens and then headed back to the hostel for some wine. For Palm Sunday, we saw the Vienna Boys’ Choir perform in the Hofburg Palace Chapel. The last venture was to visit the oldest zoo in Europe, which is in the Schonbrunn, but it started to sprinkle. We know how well I don’t do with crappy weather, so I decided to head home instead.
The next trips? Prague still awaits, Interlaken, Switzerland in April, and also on April 19th I am headed to Budapest, Hungary.
Working is going well. I work in the infant nursery, which was overwhelming at first. It served as a form of ’birth control’ to remind me that I wasn’t ready to raise humans for myself. Now, after a weekend away, I miss them, and am anxious for that phase of my life to start. They are in day care 9+ hours a day, so we have become the witnesses to first steps, first solid foods, and first words. It’s sad because their parents are missing out, but great for me because I am witnessing life, growth, and transformation.
I miss home like crazy, and can’t wait to get back to the ho-hum of it all. 8 weeks left. Until then, I love all of you!!
December 12, 2007
Dec 12, 2007
Another Year of Growth
Current mood:
satisfied
This might be the first blog I have written in some time that reflects the shifting of inner focus within me. Maybe it has something to do with the holiday season. Maybe the new relationship I have found myself in. Maybe the close arrival of my departure to another country to embark on wild adventures still unknown. Maybe all of the above. And yet, as I look at our Christmas tree, surrounded by my things, I can't help but feel a little more settled than I thought I would be this year.satisfiedIt's been a tough one. I have never been to a funeral for a family member until this year. Instead, I went to two within four months of each other. That shock alone lingers over all the Christmas procedings as I will be celebrating minus 2 people - one on each side of my family. I can't help but remember how different last Christmas was, and one the one before that, and the two decades preceding all those. I can't help but think about the Christmas' I spent when my parents were still together, and my brother lived down the hall from me. How peaceful that was. How secure.
I have never dealt with change well. Those who know me from long before can attest to that. But now that my family is older, and new traditions come into practice, and new members are acclamated to the exisiting ones, and old members are exiting this life, I am making a decision to be safe and comfortable in my environment, changed as it may be.
Nick is joining our family and their festivities with his son, Jacob, and I am grateful to find someone who is eager to sponge those traditions up as a way to ensure that we can continue the traditions I am so fond of in our own life together, however long that might be. He doesn't try to hide his unhappiness of my moving to Germany, but he doesn't hesitate to support and encourage me in this personal journey. In this way, our relationship is real, and I don't have to doubt that if we make it through this, then the genuine foundation will be able to weather calmer storms to come.
I don't know who I'll come back as. When I was in Spain, I transformed at the young age of 18 into something much different than I thought I would. When I come back in May, will I sign up for another term? Will I still believe in the same things? Will I still see a future in the things I am investing in? Where will my place be in this world? Look at how four months have changed me while I was staying put. Look at what has happened in such a short period of time. All these questions and more will have to wait until May I suppose.
But for now, I am basking in the new, altered world I find myself in, and find myself looking at the new year and saying," Bring it on...."
_______________
Oct 4, 2007
Life Change
Current mood:
thankful
thankfulLife works in mysterious ways. When you think doors won't ever open, they teach you the patience is the key. When you think you will never figure it out, you find the answer has been written on your hand the whole time. A few months ago, I applied to teach English in Thailand
Lo and behold, I have accepted a position to teach for a 17-week course overseas at an Army Base. It isn't ESL, which is what I went to school for, but I will be working with Literacy and Child Development in a class of Preschoolers, which will still be so much fun. I will be leaving this great state on January 20th, and will return in May, unless I fall in love with Europe , and find myself extending my stay in the program. Only time will tell. As for location? It was supposed to be on an Air Force Base in the Azores Islands, which are just off the coast of Portugal, but as my life holds it, that program was discontinued, so I am trading in my would-be sunny term for a snow-bound one in Eastern Germany. I am still so excited!
The hardest thing will be leaving my family, and they have strict instructions not to get sick or undergo any major catastrophes while I am gone. I can exist in a world where I was not there when something big happened to them. Also, I had to go and get a boyfriend right before I leave so that will be hard too.It will be an adjustment, but this is a chance of a lifetime – being able to travel completely free of romantic responsibilities and children. So wish me luck! My only wish is that it was coming sooner so I could get this lousy last semester over with. Oh well, there's that need for patience thing again…
________________Jun 6, 2007
And yet, here I am again.......
Current mood:
cynical
I became accutely aware this evening that I have been living a lie. A little bit of me was whispering something to that effect in my ear for the past 3-4 months, but as a true co-dependent, I chalked it up to paranoia and moved forward, living in my fantasy life. As my dad put it, I was pushing a wheelbarrow up hill, thinking that if I just went far enough, the other side would come and it would all be worth it as I went downhill. It seems this hillside never was going to end.cynicalIt's a hard realization that your love isn't translatable, transferable, or widely understood as general practice. It's hard when you invest just a little more and more of yourself, to kind of coax another person into seeing that with a little effort, they can be as happy as you are. Sometimes, they don't want to be as happy as you are. My biggest task now, is to not take responsibility for that. It's easy to feel unloveable when someone says that it's too much work to put in the time that you need. It's crushing to think that your plans were your's alone, and not concrete in the mind of the partner you planned on spending the next decade or so with. It's hard not to take all the credit when assigning the blame for the demise of what you thought was a great romance.
The hardest part for me is to let my friend go. We never want to lose our friends. Especially the ones that have shared tragedy and celebrations with you. Not the ones who can finish your sentences and know which food it best at 2am or your favorite drink. And yet, with romances dying off left and right, those friendships are discarded as if they were afterthoughts - nothing worth saving because the future isn't there romantically. Where did this lame notion come from? Why throw away the one constantly good thing between two people? I mean, if you can't be friends afterwards, then all you're left with is bitterness. Maybe that's the newly acquired cynicism speaking, but after all is said and done, if the relationship ends without squabbling and bitterness- just two people who realize they aren't meant to be life partners - then the best way to preserve some of the genuine memories and mutual affection is to keep the ties between them placid and friendly.
Maybe I am an eternal optomist, but the heart hurts like a bitch when you have to quit 'cold turkey' after 13 months of laughter and trying. But like I say, all you can do is get through it. Anyway you can. Then move on to the next adventure....
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