2006-2007 Blogs Archived

Mar 6, 2007

A Peaceful Loss

My cousin Kelly has gone on, as of this morning. He has faced his cancer fearlessly, and through his pain, brought my family together in a renewed sense of love and unity and faith. At his passing this morning, there was an erie sense of peace, because we know that the after life will surely be more humane than his last months here on Earth. He was cradled in his mom's arms, surrounded by siblings, grandparents, and aunts and uncles and cousins, in the comfort of his own room. There really isn't any better way to move on, I suppose.

As it goes, "Those that pass on to heaven, leave a little hell on Earth." We will all feel the void that Kelly will be leaving. He was able to point and laugh and be sarcastic, as the cancer invaded his body, took his leg, and eventually his life. The last time I saw him was last Sunday. The last thing he said to me as I was watching a movie in his room was, "I am sorry that I am so boring." He couldn't really stay awake because of his medication, but even then, I was humbled at his need to take care of me. ME!! Perfectly healthy, ME!

He will be mourned and missed. Thank you for everyone's prayers for his family as they learn to move on, less one family member.

  __________________

Jan 6, 2007

 Bathroom insights

I rarely blog, unless something big happens in my life, and even more rarely do I discuss politics. I always have thought of myself as patriotic, and at some point I saw a billboard/TV add/bumper sticker (who can remember the difference??) of some sort that said, "If you don't support the war, you don't support the troops." I found this unrealistic, and felt sheepish for the secret distaste for war I had harbored. My guilt complex is a large part of my thinking process, and I like to use it as my conscience and moral compass. I know people who have served inIraq, and wanted to support their decisions, even if I didn't agree with their motivations, so if asked, I usually state that I don't like the war, but if people believe in it, I support their decision to join the military.

I recently got some insight from the bathroom door on campus (ha ha!): "Why invade a country and kill people to teach people that killing people is wrong?" to this, someone wrote "yeah, 'Thou shalt not Kill.'" And then, there was another arrow and response: "What do you call the crusades?" Even people in the CSUC bathroom have issues about our motivations across the seas. Heck, join the rest of the world! Another bumper sticker stated "When Jesus said, 'Love your enemies.' I think it meant don't kill them." This was my favorite.

We are as feared and dominant and unopposed as the Nazis were, as we invade other countries to "maintain" our freedom… over here…. on the other side of the planet. When the Nazis were invading Europe, we jumped on our high horse to "save" the world!" Why aren't the other countries rallying to put us in our place? Not that I want all of our sons and daughters slaughtered to teach the politicians a lesson. Heavens, no. But really, what are the history books in Germany saying about their Nazis? Probably nothing different than our history books will say about our "Homeland Security."

Just something to consider. Not that I think we can actually make too much of a difference unless we all pull out of our military contracts.

Ok, Political Diatribe ended.

 __________________________

Dec 3, 2006

 Surprise! You're Dead

Current mood: thankful

Ladies and Gentelmen, I have survived a brush with death. That is right. In no simpler terms, that is what happened. Those who are close to me have heard of this tragedy first hand, while I am still shaking in my vicotin-drenched muscles, trying to snap out of shock.

Cody has forbid me to start celebrating Christmas until the first of the month, and has actually managed to enforce it with a feeble victory. So the first day of the month fell on Friday, my day off, and we headed up the hill to Butte Meadows to do some serious Christmas tree hunting. It was the first one Cody had ever cut down himself, and we packed the pickup with homemade fudge, cheetos, and holiday hearts (well... mine at least) They were sadly out of tree-cutting permits in Butte Meadows, and suggested we go to Chester or Almanor to get one. Cody wanted to be responsible, but I just wanted to steal one. Who was going to give us a ticket? Really? Well, the man won, and we set off for another 24 minute car drive.
    At one point, we started noticing snow, but Cody is a safe driver, so I dozed away on the passenger side. I awoke to the holler "Babe, hold on!" as the truck was upside-down and bouncing everyone. Cody's and my first date was at the county fair (my favorite!!!) so I thought I was on "The Zipper." Ok... not really. But it felt that way. When we "landed" I was up in the air, and the truck was on it's side. My thought was, "Dear God, if Cody dies, I won't survive this." I mean, really. How can you fathom loosing your soulmate? How can you wrap your head around that?

    We had hit ice, smashed into the guardrail on the opposite side of the road (hitting NO ONE!! Grace!) and the rolled once on our side, than went END OVER END, rolled twice more on our side, and landed - out of traffic, and within inches of the slope that lead into a creek. Thankfully, there were cars behind us to pull us out, and then we had the distinct pleasure of waiting an hour before CHP and the tow truck came - in the cold.
    His truck is totalled, and there is no reason why the engine didn't fall through the cabin, or we didn't get ejected. Even the officer stated that he didn't understand how we were still alive, from the looks of the wreckage. Why didn't we go over the guardrail? Why didn't we hit any other cars? Why didn't we slide into the water? Simply a miracle.


    So what do people think about when they realize they might die? My thoughts? "My mom is going to have to id my body; how horrible. I will never have babies." Seriously, I was looking out my window at the creek, sure that we were going to either be smashed or drown. I wasn't scared, which is what surprised me. I was with Cody, and that's how I plan on dying when I am eighty.
    The first thing I did when I got home is called my mom and said, "Thank you mom for praying for your babies. It came in handy today."

So everyone. Thank your parents for their prayers.

_____________________

Aug 22, 2006

·  Got my Trapper-Keeper

Current mood: exhausted

So after a year long "Educational Leave," I have returned to finish my (hopefully) last semester at Chico State. Not only did I get butterflies this morning while I threw on a backpack and hit the road on my bike, but I started to doubt my ability to remember things like syntax and phonology.
To make matters worse, I got "pulled over" by a cop while I was riding my bike to school. Yup. Apparently "Chico's Finest" is more concerned with my knowledge of proper "hand signals" than serious things like theft and drunk driving. After that little embarassment, I was late to my first class. But nonetheless, I finished the day at 8:15pm, barely making it out of there alive, dragging my swollen mind behind me.
It seems that my other classmates didn't have the same educational  'plan' as I did, and decided to continually attend class. Therefore, I am about a year behind. Not to mention that the last time I attended CSUC (Spring 05) I was coked out on Wellbutrin, Xanax, and anything mixed with vodka. Needless to say, I don't remember much of that semester either. This blog is more or less to state that Shellie Jean has hit the books again, feverishly trying to graduate this spring. With luck and love on my side, it will get accomplished. Until then, here's a little "morsel" of feminism fact passed on from our dear late-night-TV evangelical pastor, Pat Robertson:
"[Feminism] is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." (when asked how he felt about the Equal Rights Amendment in 1992)
Gotta Love Eduation!

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Aug 11, 2006

· For all who keep asking....

For all of you who have experienced a little whip-lash from my recent life changes, and who are bored enough to actually read this blog, here's the skinny on me and my decision-making skills. Or lack thereof.

Plan A: Live in Redding. Relocated after the divorce to lick my wounds and set up a tent in the name of emotional resortation
What happened: I got into a relationship that moved me back to Chico in December of 2005.

Plan B: Live in Chico, happily dating Matt.
What happened: He stopped loving me. That's about the sum of it all.

Plan C: Move with Amy (my handicapped confidant) to AZ and attend ASU while she finished law school. I would be living with her as her in-home care aide.
What Happened: Amy decided to go to Baylor instead. This school is located in TX.

Plan D: Move to Waco, Texas with Amy.
What Happened: This one almost went through. Despite my boyfriend's strong, silent desire to keep me here, he supported and encouraged me to leave and "find myself" in TX. My parents even did an ok job - but mom kept questioning my sanity. I tried to convince myself that it was a good move for me. In the end, the heart conquered the reasoning and here I am. A mere week-and-a-half before I was scheduled to leave, I realized that TX held no future for me, so why fork out the money for the U-Haul, huh? Luckily for me, Amy had the same mind-set and understood why I couldn't go.

Despite what it looks like, I am capable of making a decision. I make lots of them. Huge, spontaneous ones. But, as life would have it nothing that I plan on seems to go accordingly, so I am left to rearrange everything.

It's not so bad really. It has given me the opportunity to sift through the negative influences in my life, and really cling to those that uplift and empower me. I have no doubt that I will someday, get out of this general area. But until life/God feels that this is right, nothing else will fall into place.

I just wanted to fill in everyone who has been so curious as to why I am not sweating up a storm in TX by now. Bear with me, you all. It's just as confusing to keep track of for me!!
_________________________
Self-Reliant Denial

·  I was informed today that 98 percent of all humans are born into a co-dependent relationship of some sort, and therefore don't know any other way to have a relationship - though many discourage this particular type of one and are in denial of their own. This could mean co-dependency on a lover, a family member (or family unit), a job title, or even a substance. In other words, "co-dependent" is an unsuccessful euphamism for "addiction."
Since my recent single-status errupted in my face and out of nowhere, I have had to take look on my last relationship and dissect it until I can't see straight. We all do it. "What did I do wrong?" "How did I know he/she wasn't as happy as they seemed?" Blah, Blah. Blah. I drug myself out of bed - day 10 on my "Ten-Day process for Surviving Loss" (I am TOTALLY going to patent that!) - and made myself go to church. Yes, you skeptics. CHURCH. Some of you probably don't even include The Spirtual Enrichment Center (aka Church of Religious Science) in your list of acceptable means to explore God. Nevertheless, I sat in church, alone, and listened as the practitioner (not paster! She's no better than us 'flock' in the audience) talked about codependency and self-reliance.
Which brings me to the point of this blog. Yes, there is one. I received a list of the TEN COMMANDMENTS of a SELF-RELIANT PERSON. So, you are being enlightened. If this bores you, skip to the end.
1. Love of life - no complaining, grumbling or whining. They like rain and sun, embraces grief, traffic jams, parties or being alone. If situations need to be changed - they find a way to do it.
2. They are free of guilt - admits mistakes but doesn't lament/regret the experience
3. Non-worriers - present moment oriented. not threatened by the unknown; seeks new experiences; takes responsibility without blaming others
4. Independent - treasures their own freedom
5. Their love involves no imposition of values on the loved one. Likes to be alone which ensures privacy.
6. Refuses to be dependent, or depended upon; are in mature relationships; with children, they provide a model of a caring person, but encourage self-reliance almost from the beginning with a great deal of love
7. Able to function without the approval and applause from others. If you want to kow what they think, they will tell you.
8. They are free to make their own choices even if it conflicts with everyone else
9. They know how to laugh and how to create laughter - LAUGH WITH PEOPLE AND AT LIFE
10. They accept themselves and have a high energy level.
For those of you who skipped this last portion, this is where you return to reading....
Most of the items on that list are rarely embraced, but most of us advertise that we possess some or all of these qualities. We believe that if we practice some of these qualities, some of the time, we can round up to 100 percent perfection. Another viewpoint is that certain characteristics on this list could be seen as selfish or cold or even pompous. But, then again, who knows anyone who is actually self-reliant to the extent that they "refuse to be depended on"? I mean, c'mon. Don't they have parents? Or friends? So, it's safe to say that these"commandments" or attributes should be taken for their value, not their word-for-word content.
I hope this shakes all of you into believing that those judging your relationsips - romantic or otherwise - are full of CRAP, and those of you who are in the habit of throwing stones, thinking that you belong in the self-reliant category, should be ashamed of yourselves. We all just do what we can with those we love.
This isn't to say that this "list" isn't to be reached and worked for. It just means that we need to honest about where we are, and what makes us happy. In the future, I hope we can all be able to stand alone and have it just be enough. Then, we are whole people. But untl then...... let the denial continue, if that's what gets you through the day.

______________________

Jan 24, 2006

  Stretch before exercising your mind

Current mood: chipper

Life throws you unbelievable curve balls. There is a certain standard to live by to ensure a quality of life when you get older. You date the girl/boy next door, you attend church, you are respectful of your parents, (though you may silently rebel and disagree with them in your hearts) you put stake in others' feelings and opinions about your life. All of this to get you to... where? Get you to that great job, dating the great guy/girl, and have those sitcom-mannered kids playing outside. If you play your cards right, there might actually be a picketed fence and Golden Retriever in the picture. You can't help but feel disappointed when this doesn't always work out as planned, when God (or whatever higher power you may believe in) reaches down with his hand and says, "I don't think so. Not today. Not your way." Anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion are all normal emotions to feel in these kinds of situations. Some people may see it as wrong, but they are all basic human emotions. So, scream. Reach out and yell. Or do what I do.... blog. Then scream. Then move on. Anyway you can.

But in my case, the subject for this particular blog isn't going to be in pursuit of some deeper meaning in my life to explain a tragic turn of events. Rather, I find myself in the complete euphoria. I am in an incredible relationship with an unlikely match for my soul mate. He pushes and pulls me to fight the urge to be what is in my blood, but not what I want for myself. I feel a renewed sense of self, as if I am finally seeing the clouds part after a long tempest. On the flip side, because I have been "under the weather" so much, I am skeptic. I find myself waking up everyday wondering if it will all change today. If the other shoe is going to drop, or it all really is too good to be true. I am here to tell you that that kind of thinking gets you nowhere. Because, all of the abnormal, awkward stages on my life in the past few years have lead me here, to this state of peace, this state of grace, this state of bliss. So now we can get to the root of the blog's subject:

Your life's purpose.

There are many different kinds of people in this world, but I think there are two major groups with whom I feel confident in categorizing. First, there are the kind of people that wake up everyday, put in the Dr. Phil or Oprah tape/CD in their car on their way to work, or the gym, or yoga, to figure out how to improve their job, their sex life, their complexion, their overall sense of confidence. They concentrate on walking and talking a certain way to seem more educated. They strive harder and harder to push themselves towards perfection, to seem more perfect to everyone. At the end of their day, they are exhausted, but they feel just a little bit closer to being the person they want to be known as. We all know our toughest critics are ourselves, and the person who coined that phrase - I can guarantee you - has a Dr. Phil CD in his/her car. RIGHT NOW.

The other kind of person wakes up everyday with their first thought, as they climb in the shower or eat granola, is "how am I going to greet the day?" They walk into their job/school/mobile- home-park wondering whose life they could be a part of in a unique way. Their focus is on the betterment of others, which means that they are usually not as polished as Mr. Motivational in the earlier example. They can let themselves become damaged and hurt because there is no shield, so selfishness to ward off the disappointing behavior of others. But they rest their heads easier at the end of the day, if they have escaped such hurt, knowing that they have helped make someone else's life a little easier, even at the expense of their own leisure.

There is no one that can say which person is the most righteous or the most "correct" because everything is relative. What is correct and right to me, is wrong to my next door neighbor. What is awkward for me, is comfortable for my Lit. teacher. It's all about personal awareness. So as long as you can confess and acknowledge which kind of person you are, and know in your heart that that method is best for you - even if no one else agrees - then your work is done.

Now that you are doubting yourself, or reassured in yourself, go eat ice cream and watch Oprah. She's on at 4. We can dissect her motivations for once. Have a great day.

Blog Import

I have made the decision to close down my Myspace account because, let's face it, I have commitment issues, and feel like I'm cheating on my Facebook. I have imported the following blogs (in descending order) from my myspace account to keep them all in one place.
March 15, 2009

A Fork

Current mood:confused

Wow.... I can't believe I have been here 9 months already....
When I got to Seattle, it took a mere six minutes to realize I wasn't cut out for city-girl life. First of all, it seems such a waste that there are so many great museums, parks, and music venues and yet I am most content to be home, curled up with a book on my patio. Plus, the cost of living here is horrible. This was reinforced after six hours, six days, and six months. Nonetheless, I swore to myself I would commit one year to the city, and get out of it what I could. It looks like it was further self-discovery, and of course, Nestor.

Around Christmas time, I started looking at options for relocation. Although I hate change like the black plague, I knew I couldn't live here anymore. Especially since David left, leaving me without any family this far north. I applied to some jobs in Arizona, Sacramento, Oregon, etc, just putting my little toes out there. At the end of May, Nestor and I had plans to move closer to family, and I have always loved Medford, Oregon for its close proximity to my family, to the ocean, to the mountains... well, you get the idea. Out of the blue, I get a packet in that mail in response to a job application I put in to Phoenix, AZ before Christmas. I had forgotten completely about it. It seemed like it was in my way saying "Don't forget this option!!" when all I wanted to do was move to Oregon.

So I have accepted a chance to interview with the Phoenix school district, and with my Dad's generous contribution to the airfare to make that possible, I will see if this door is worth opening. Needless to say, Nestor is not happy about me going there, but being the supportive partner he is, he is willing to start exploring universities down there as well.

So there is a fork in the road. Two sides, equally weighed with pluses and minuses. I would be happier in Oregon, but I would be fulfilling my professional aspirations if I go to Phoenix. (Oregon isn't going anywhere right???) Long term? I'd rather live and settle and raise mini-people in Medford, but I've always wanted to persue my career for a few years prior to that, and it's not like there are ESL jobs knocking down my door from the direction of that state.

Wish me luck..... who knows where this crazy broad will go next.
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June 9, 2008

Small Girl, Big City,

Current mood:inquisitive

I have been an official Washington resident since Wednesday night, after much-delayed flight touched down into the rainy abyss that is to be my new home for a prolonged time. I was excited to be back on a plane, and excited/nervous/anxious to see where I was taking myself.

At my twenty-fourth year, my dad promised me that this year was going to be the year of my great-romance, my great-adventure, or a combination of the two. During my European Hiatus, I decided that the latter was more likely, and so I embraced it. After all, I still have yet to find a man who could pin me down, metaphorically speaking of course... The first few days in this city, I stayed with my friend Cody from Chico, who was also a transplant to the big city for professional reasons. I landed a summer job working in a kindergarten/1st grade summer class program, and joyfully split my pants in the middle of the interview - made for an amusing antecdote later. I got my apartment on the outskirts of Upper Queen Anne two days after that. Last night was my first night in my new place.



One Suitcase. One Hand-Me-Down Sleeper Sofa.



The 740 sq. ft that are all mine looked huge and overwhelming. Each inch of the carpet (that was purchased in '76 for $100/yard!) was unaware of the fate that lay ahead of it. My landlord is an 85 year old man, who lives alone and daily states that the only purpose of his day is to wake up... I can see myself making him Christmas cookies every year. I stopped hiding in my apartment this afternoon and hopped the bus to downtown Seattle. Today is David's day off from running me around, bless his soul. The lady who got .. me turned and faced the window, then launched into an ellaborate account of how seagulls and eagles tried to kill her this morning. She referenced Hitchcock's "The Birds" several times, and the bus driver - who seemed to know her - laughed at all the appropriate times. I didn't know who she was talking to, but I felt very rude eavesdropping on her personal story to her reflection in the window. Always glad to see the culture in my neighborhood.


I won't lie and say that I am not lonely, and having a difficult time adjusting. I also know this about myself - it takes on average 2 weeks from the doom and gloom of adaptation to lift and I stop viewing my impulsive actions as life and death decisions. I also know that in two weeks I will start work, and fall madly in love with the tikes that grab on my sweaters and yell my name across the playground. I also know that in 2 weeks, when my Mom comes up with all my belongings, I will finally be able to breathe easier in my 'nest' that I created. Until then, I need to remember that it will all be ok in the end. After all, it's my one shot at making my life extraordinary, so I wouldn't be content with anything less than that.

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March 26, 2008

Lighter and Brigher Purpose Revealed

Ten Weeks into Germany, and the purpose of my visit has finally revealed itself. After I lifted myself out of my self-loathing, homesickness, and general pessimism, I started to look at my life and what I wanted it to be after I returned to California in May. It never occured to me to slow down and let the trip just wash over me, allowing the wisdom to flow easily and conveniently. I was never one to sit still anyways. So I guess I’m not too shocked that it took this long to realize what my purpose here is.
TO BE LIGHTER AND BRIGHTER BY THE TIME I GET BACK
Over the years, my inner self has accumulated layers of scar tissue left over after break-ups, family dissolve, and disappointment in my life’s choices. After awhile, the baggage becomes heavy and makes the first attack on anything new and promising in my life. Nothing really has a chance to flourish because I am constantly aware that it may add to the pile of sour-tasting memories, and already discount the good it could do for my life. This has also made my view on the world a little darker than it once was. I may have been made stronger by my life’s occurrences, but that strength also comes in the form of a calloused reality that affords little to no room for growth and change, especially when it’s not on my own accord. I am jumping ship before it’s even pulled out of the dock, cutting off the possibilities of something truely magnificent.
So in Germany, I am leaving the long-term commitments that bore no fruit - the memories of these aren’t accurate anyways. I can only remember the good, and the bitter-sweet intimacies that are now longed for. I rarely remember the fights, the voids left inside when I realized it was never going to be the right guy, or the feeling of utter joy once I had gotten over them. I am leaving behind my parent’s divorce and the long trail of iself-nvolvement from my end of the table. I am leaving behind the regretted encounters with strangers, exes, and friends that only settled me into a deep feeling of self-doubt and degredation. They will all be left here, in the snow, in Germany.
I will come back lighter with less baggage, and brighter with a more fullfilling view of my future. This way, whatever lies ahead of me in my 25th year will be met with anticipation, readiness and a feeling that anything is possible. (When did I lose faith in it all, anyways??) Becuase when you look at it, there’s not a lot of you to give when you’re giving in. So I’m reclaiming my days of youth, of innocence, and untouched vigor in life.

________________
March 16, 2008

The European Experince, Phase 1

Current mood:jubilant

I have been keeping in touch with my family back home with all the happenings of Germany, but now that I am half way through, I might as well extend the same courtesy to my Myspace Family. The homesickness ended after 1 month, and the time difference was settled after the first 2 weeks, which I was grateful for. Still, there is a random morning every now and then when I wake up in the cabin out by the swamp and wonder where my closet went... and my carpet.... and my California Sunshine.
To sum it up so far:
Vilseck - affectionately known as VilSUCK to us interns is our home for now. It’s a 40 minute train ride away from Nuremberg, which is where I spend most of my spare time when I’m not traveling to other exotic places. They have a great bar "ALEX" which serves a great screwdriver and bruschetta. They are open late, and opens up to the big cathedral plaza. In Vilseck, we spent thefirst 8 weeks in a cabin out by a swamp/lake called "Big Mike." (sounds like a balding 40 yr old with a double-wide, eh??) It’s a 45 minute walk to the one restaurant, one bar and one cafeteria on base. But things are looking up. On the 18th of March we move into condo’s that are only a 25 minute walk from these things!
Munich - We took our first venture out to Munich for the weekend, learned about the Haufbrauhaus (hoff-brow-house) where Hitler started the Nazi party and started his march on the city. It was chilly and windy, but we had a blast and met members of the Chili Hockey Team and some backpackers from Brazil. Great city. Reminded me of Sevilla. We were there in time for Fasching (Mardi Gras + Halloween) so there were lots of outdoor markets, concerts, and freeflying confetti all over the city.
Berlin - Capital of Germany. We spent time there touring all the big stuff -Berlin Dome, Potsdam, and the Brandenberg Gate. I didn’t know anything about these things, but now my mind is full of history, and I am hoping to retain some of it for when I have to explain the pictures back home. I got yelled at in German by the bus driver. Apparently, it’s not ok to bang on the doors of the bus as they are closing because you still want to get on. Oops.
Vienna, Austria - This place was beautiful, and we were able to fit in lots of culture. First day consisted of seeing an Italian Opera at the opera house (standing seats were only $5), we went to the fair/carnaval which included a vertical Tilt-O-Whirl and the oldest Ferris Wheel in Europe. We visited the open flea market, ate schnizel in the Belvedere gardens and then headed back to the hostel for some wine. For Palm Sunday, we saw the Vienna Boys’ Choir perform in the Hofburg Palace Chapel. The last venture was to visit the oldest zoo in Europe, which is in the Schonbrunn, but it started to sprinkle. We know how well I don’t do with crappy weather, so I decided to head home instead.
The next trips? Prague still awaits, Interlaken, Switzerland in April, and also on April 19th I am headed to Budapest, Hungary.
Working is going well. I work in the infant nursery, which was overwhelming at first. It served as a form of ’birth control’ to remind me that I wasn’t ready to raise humans for myself. Now, after a weekend away, I miss them, and am anxious for that phase of my life to start. They are in day care 9+ hours a day, so we have become the witnesses to first steps, first solid foods, and first words. It’s sad because their parents are missing out, but great for me because I am witnessing life, growth, and transformation.
I miss home like crazy, and can’t wait to get back to the ho-hum of it all. 8 weeks left. Until then, I love all of you!!

________________
December 12, 2007
Dec 12, 2007

Another Year of Growth

Current mood:satisfied

This might be the first blog I have written in some time that reflects the shifting of inner focus within me. Maybe it has something to do with the holiday season. Maybe the new relationship I have found myself in. Maybe the close arrival of my departure to another country to embark on wild adventures still unknown. Maybe all of the above. And yet, as I look at our Christmas tree, surrounded by my things, I can't help but feel a little more settled than I thought I would be this year.
It's been a tough one. I have never been to a funeral for a family member until this year. Instead, I went to two within four months of each other. That shock alone lingers over all the Christmas procedings as I will be celebrating minus 2 people - one on each side of my family. I can't help but remember how different last Christmas was, and one the one before that, and the two decades preceding all those. I can't help but think about the Christmas' I spent when my parents were still together, and my brother lived down the hall from me. How peaceful that was. How secure.
I have never dealt with change well. Those who know me from long before can attest to that. But now that my family is older, and new traditions come into practice, and new members are acclamated to the exisiting ones, and old members are exiting this life, I am making a decision to be safe and comfortable in my environment, changed as it may be.
Nick is joining our family and their festivities with his son, Jacob, and I am grateful to find someone who is eager to sponge those traditions up as a way to ensure that we can continue the traditions I am so fond of in our own life together, however long that might be. He doesn't try to hide his unhappiness of my moving to Germany, but he doesn't hesitate to support and encourage me in this personal journey. In this way, our relationship is real, and I don't have to doubt that if we make it through this, then the genuine foundation will be able to weather calmer storms to come.
I don't know who I'll come back as. When I was in Spain, I transformed at the young age of 18 into something much different than I thought I would. When I come back in May, will I sign up for another term? Will I still believe in the same things? Will I still see a future in the things I am investing in? Where will my place be in this world? Look at how four months have changed me while I was staying put. Look at what has happened in such a short period of time. All these questions and more will have to wait until May I suppose.
But for now, I am basking in the new, altered world I find myself in, and find myself looking at the new year and saying," Bring it on...."
_______________
Oct 4, 2007

Life Change

Current mood:thankful

Life works in mysterious ways. When you think doors won't ever open, they teach you the patience is the key. When you think you will never figure it out, you find the answer has been written on your hand the whole time. A few months ago, I applied to teach English in Thailand, and got through 3 out of the 4 interviews, just to be told that my lack of teaching experience was going to keep me from being hired. Discouraged, I decided that perhaps it was better for me to pursue graduate school for my MA in English instead. That was going to be too much school for my little, tired brain, so I quickly changed my mind…. Again.

Lo and behold, I have accepted a position to teach for a 17-week course overseas at an Army Base. It isn't ESL, which is what I went to school for, but I will be working with Literacy and Child Development in a class of Preschoolers, which will still be so much fun. I will be leaving this great state on January 20th, and will return in May, unless I fall in love with Europe, and find myself extending my stay in the program. Only time will tell. As for location? It was supposed to be  on an Air Force Base in the Azores Islands, which are just off the coast of Portugal, but as my life holds it, that program was discontinued, so I am trading in my would-be sunny term for a snow-bound one in Eastern Germany. I am still so excited!

The hardest thing will be leaving my family, and they have strict instructions not to get sick or undergo any major catastrophes while I am gone.  I can exist in a world where I was not there when something big happened to them. Also, I had to go and get a boyfriend right before I leave so that will be hard too.It will be an adjustment, but this is a chance of a lifetime – being able to travel completely free of romantic responsibilities and children. So wish me luck! My only wish is that it was coming sooner so I could get this lousy last semester over with. Oh well, there's that need for patience thing again…

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Jun 6, 2007

And yet, here I am again.......

Current mood:cynical

I became accutely aware this evening that I have been living a lie. A little bit of me was whispering something to that effect in my ear for the past 3-4 months, but as a true co-dependent, I chalked it up to paranoia and moved forward, living in my fantasy life. As my dad put it, I was pushing a wheelbarrow up hill, thinking that if I just went far enough, the other side would come and it would all be worth it as I went downhill. It seems this hillside never was going to end.

It's a hard realization that your love isn't translatable, transferable, or widely understood as general practice. It's hard when you invest just a little more and more of yourself, to kind of coax another person into seeing that with a little effort, they can be as happy as you are. Sometimes, they don't want to be as happy as you are. My biggest task now, is to not take responsibility for that. It's easy to feel unloveable when someone says that it's too much work to put in the time that you need. It's crushing to think that your plans were your's alone, and not concrete in the mind of the partner you planned on spending the next decade or so with. It's hard not to take all the credit when assigning the blame for the demise of what you thought was a great romance.

The hardest part for me is to let my friend go. We never want to lose our friends. Especially the ones that have shared tragedy and celebrations with you. Not the ones who can finish your sentences and know which food it best at 2am or your favorite drink. And yet, with romances dying off left and right, those friendships are discarded as if they were afterthoughts - nothing worth saving because the future isn't there romantically. Where did this lame notion come from? Why throw away the one constantly good thing between two people? I mean, if you can't be friends afterwards, then all you're left with is bitterness. Maybe that's the newly acquired cynicism speaking, but after all is said and done, if the relationship ends without squabbling and bitterness- just two people who realize they aren't meant to be life partners - then the best way to preserve some of the genuine memories and mutual affection is to keep the ties between them placid and friendly.

Maybe I am an eternal optomist, but the heart hurts like a bitch when you have to quit 'cold turkey' after 13 months of laughter and trying. But like I say, all you can do is get through it. Anyway you can. Then move on to the next adventure....

The Big Move

So I am a failed blogger. Obviously. I have completely forgotten that to have a blog is to actually RECORD the happenings and such of my life. Here's the bullet-version of the last six months:
1. Oscar Steven Camarillo - was supposed to be a girl - 3 sonograms confirmed it - but final sonogram at 36 weeks showed 'man junk' and thus began the great overhaul of nursery, picking a name, and mass hysteria on my part. He was induced 11 days later due to his size, and we had gotten everything finished three days prior. PHEW!
2. Shellie goes back to work - after a whole year off, (trying) to enjoy pregnancy, and then to take care of newborn Oscar, the 'right' opportunity comes along in my career field and I make the decision to go back to work. Was easier than I thought, mostly because of my rockin' awesome family who will watch Oscar and keep my mind at ease. I now work as an Academic Success Center (fancy pants name for Tutoring Center) Assistant Coordinator for Simpson University. My dream is guide this in the ESL field I was hoping to work in eventually.
3. More income = More Debt - or rather, a mortgage. Not really looking to buy, but constantly perusing Craigslist, I found a house with rent-to-own options, and we took a shot and looked at it. Nestor's credit was as sour as can be, so he couldn't co-sign for quite awhile. This will give us an option to pay on the house, and have a few years to actually take out the loan. That being sad, strapping on a mortgage-type payment and handing over our little nest-egg as down payment is quite an adjustment. We have been living rent-free for the last 18 months on the  "Ranch of Exile" and haven't had to think about any kind of rent or mortgage.
4. DIY Payoff - after about 100 hours of Yard Crasher, Bath Crashers, House Crashers, and other DIY shows, we will need to put the studying to good use. This new house is amazingly preserved in 1970's decor and fixtures, so it's time to break out the spray paint, and pinterest.com boards and see what we can make of this. Plus, with a now-6-month-old being active and trying to be mobile, we have the added stress of living out of boxes with a baby in tow.

Ok. That should do it. I will hopefully be posting before and after photos on FB... on here it seems redundant. I am also looking forward to rejoining the public in the arena of Home-Based Internet. The Ranch didn't have that as an option, so I can blame THAT on lack of blogging. Now I have no excuse. Let's see if I can remember....